


Oh, To Be Home Again

by ChameleonCircuit



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barisi - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Post Undiscovered Country, Pre-Barisi, post 19x13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 05:01:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14513112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: “I need to know whether or not you hate me,” Rafael said in a rush, cutting Sonny off before he can get a word in.He hadn’t planned to start with that. He hadn’t really planned to ask at all. He hadn’t planned anything. He felt a little insane as he stood outside Sonny’s door, aware of the rapid rise and fall of his own chest as the lines on Sonny’s face deepened.





	Oh, To Be Home Again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Astronaut_Milky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astronaut_Milky/gifts).



> Huge thanks to tobeconspicuous for the beta.
> 
> This one's for Astronaut_Milky, because falling asleep on the couch together is our jam.

It had been bothering Rafael more than he cared to admit, the way his mind always seemed to circle back to Sonny Carisi. He’d always assumed it was because they worked together. He thought about work and his colleagues more than most other things. But Sonny had been on his mind almost every day over the four months he had been in Miami, far more than even Liv had. It was beginning to drive him mad.

 

_ He hates me. _

 

That was the thought that came up the most. He was almost certain that Sonny hated him, and the idea that he did stung more than he expected. But what was worse was not knowing. What was worse was assuming Sonny hated him, imagining all the things he thought and said about Rafael in his absence.

 

That was how he found himself outside Sonny’s apartment late in the afternoon, fresh off a flight from Miami. His heart was pounding against his ribcage as he retracted his hand from the door, the sound of his knock still echoing inside his head, slightly out of tune with his heartbeat.

 

It felt like forever before Sonny opened the door. Long enough for Rafael to not only reconsider coming here in the first place, but for fear and dread and uncertainty to swell up inside him, leaving him feeling nauseous and off-balance.

 

He felt as though the air had been knocked out of him when Sonny answered the door, apron on, loose hairs hanging over his forehead, having fallen from his usually perfectly gelled coif. Sonny’s mouth formed a perfect ‘O’ of surprise, brow crinkling in confusion and what Rafael thought might have been a hint of concern.

 

“I need to know whether or not you hate me,” Rafael said in a rush, cutting Sonny off before he can get a word in.

 

He hadn’t planned to start with that. He hadn’t really planned to ask at all. He hadn’t planned anything. He felt a little insane as he stood outside Sonny’s door, aware of the rapid rise and fall of his own chest as the lines on Sonny’s face deepened.

 

“What?” Sonny scoffed, leaning against the doorframe. “No, of course not. Don’t be ridiculous.” His expression softened to a hesitant smile as he cast his eyes downward. “I did kinda think you were mad at me, though.”

 

Rafael huffed out a laugh, relief washing over him in waves. “What could you possibly have done to make me mad at you?”

 

“I wasn’t there. Through your trial.” Sonny looked apologetic as he brought his gaze back up. “I didn’t come to support you once. You deserve better than that.”

 

Rafael gave him a small nod, an acknowledgment, though his stomach swooped with uncertainty again. “I thought you stayed away because you hated me. For what I’d done.”

 

He gave the detective a small smile, a smile that he hoped said it was okay, that he wouldn’t hold it against Sonny if he hated him. Sonny caught his eye for a brief moment, attempting to return the smile before he cast his eyes downward again, looking at his feet.

 

“I could never hate you. I just…” Sonny trailed off, fiddling with the edge of his apron as he forced himself to look Rafael in the eye. “I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing you on the wrong side of the witness stand. I couldn’t bear to hear what they had to say about you. That was selfish of me. I’m sorry.”

 

“I was worried about you seeing me like that too,” Rafael admitted quietly, lips twisting into a semblance of his usual smirk. “But after all that worrying, it was not seeing you that bothered me the most.”

 

Sonny let his head fall against the doorframe, smiling now, small and private, like it was designed just for Rafael. “I’m sorry.”

 

Rafael shook his head. After months of carrying the shadow of what he’d done around with him in Miami, trying to seek out happiness in retirement only to find his thoughts drifting back here, to dirty blond hair and bright blue eyes clouded with disappointment, he couldn’t believe how light he suddenly felt.

 

“I’m sorry too,” he said quietly, allowing Sonny a glimpse of just how relieved he was before his usual smirk was back in place. “Now, are you going to let me in?”

 

Sonny flushed red almost instantly, muttering something that sounded like another apology as he moved aside to let Rafael in.

 

Rafael breathed in the scent of onion, garlic, and something a little sweeter that he couldn’t quite place, and a sense of calm washed over him. Somehow, after everything, this felt like coming home, despite the fact that he had never once set foot inside Sonny’s apartment. As quick as the feeling came, it was gone, replaced by the feeling that he shouldn’t be there at all.

 

“Uh,” he started, awkwardly following Sonny to the kitchen. “I didn’t realize you were making dinner. I can--”

 

“Stay. There’ll be enough to feed me for weeks. I always cook in bulk,” he said, grin wide and eyes sparkling.

 

Rafael hesitated before relenting with a small nod.

 

“Great, go make yourself comfortable. It’ll be ready in, like, five minutes.”

 

Rafael wandered back into Sonny’s living area, taking in his belongings as he went. Unsurprisingly there was an odd mix of sports and gaming memorabilia dotted around the small space. However, it was Sonny’s overflowing bookshelves that caught his attention the most. It seemed that Sonny owned something from just about every genre, right from Bridget Jones’s Diary, all the way to history journals.

 

“I’m sure I don’t own anything there that you don’t,” Sonny said with a laugh, ‘causing Rafael to jump, his hand springing back from the spine of the legal textbook he’d been looking at.

 

“You never know,” Rafael said quietly, following Sonny to the lounge.

 

Sonny smiled at him, his face soft and relaxed, eyes glistening, even under the artificial lighting. Rafael swallowed, turning his attention to the plate Sonny handed him, unsure why he was suddenly so affected by Sonny’s eyes, of all things.

 

“Hope you like lasagna,” he said quietly.

 

Rafael made a sound, something non-committal, before taking his first bite. The silence that surrounded them set Rafael on edge, though he tried to ignore it in favor of his food.

 

“So,” Sonny said quietly, angling himself towards Rafael. “Liv said you went to Miami?”

 

“Yeah. With my mother. We have family there.”

 

“As all good Cuban families do,” he said with an easy laugh.

 

“Yeah,” Rafael breathed out, making it sound more like a sigh than anything else.

 

“Have fun, then?” Sonny asked, angling his head so he could catch Rafael’s eyes.

 

“Sure,” he said with a small shrug. “Mami’s always liked them more than I have.”

 

Rafael watched Sonny struggle over what to say next for a moment before turning back to his food.

 

“Miami, though,” Sonny said eventually, nudging Rafael gently. “Sun, sand, the ocean -- sounds like a dream to me.”

 

“You should go sometime,” Rafael said with a small laugh.

 

Sonny joined his laughter, getting up from the lounge. “Yeah, with all the time I get off, no problem.” Once he got to the kitchen he called out, “You want a glass of wine?”

 

As the drinks flowed so did the conversation. The more they talked, the more at ease Rafael felt, knowing things were okay between them.

 

But every brush of Sonny’s knee against his, every touch of a hand, every dazzling smile, made Rafael’s stomach swoop and his heart rate spike. He wasn’t sure what to do about that. He tried to remember if he’d always felt this with Sonny, if Sonny had ever even touched him so much, but he was coming up blank.

 

“Did you wanna watch a movie?” Sonny asked, interrupting Rafael’s thoughts.

 

Rafael glanced at his watch, surprised to see it was already past 9 pm. “Er, it’s getting late…”

 

“Oh, sure, of course, yeah, don’t let me keep you,” Sonny rambled, blush dusting his cheeks in a perfect pink.

 

Rafael shook his head. “I don’t want to impose for too long, that’s all.”

 

Sonny looked at him for a moment, expression tinged with uncertainty as he dipped his head, looking at Rafael through his lashes. “I’d like you to stay...if you want to.”

 

“Okay,” Rafael said, voice barely above a whisper as a warmth spread throughout his chest.

 

“I bet you like old school movies like Casablanca,” Sonny said with a smirk, nudging him with his knee.

 

“I’d prefer something like The Great Escape to Casablanca,” Rafael muttered, wrinkling his nose in faux-disgust.

 

Sonny laughed, sliding off the lounge to look at his movie collection. “Would you settle for The Magnificent Seven?”

 

“Not the remake, I hope,” Rafael muttered, lip quirking upwards when Sonny whipped around, an exaggerated expression of horror on his face.

 

“Rafael, is that what you really think of me?” Sonny covered his heart with one hand as he brought the movie out with his other, holding it up for Rafael to look at. “I can’t believe you--”

 

“Okay, okay,” Rafael muttered with a laugh, patting the lounge beside him. “Put the damn movie on.”

 

Sonny grinned, sliding the DVD into the player before getting up to turn the light off. As he took his place on the lounge Rafael noticed he was sitting closer than he had been last time. Their thighs were pressed together, and when Sonny turned to smile at him, Rafael could see the little flecks of green and grey mixed in with the bright cerulean of his eyes. Rafael’s mouth went dry, he almost leaned in, almost closed the distance, almost. But then Sonny turned back to face the TV, slowly sinking into the cushions on his lounge.

 

Sonny continued to refill their glasses as they watched the movie and before long a warm, comfortable haze had settled over Rafael. Despite his best efforts he could feel his eyelids drooping.

 

* * *

 

The first thing he noticed was the tickle of breath on his hair, followed by the steady rise and fall of another body beneath him. He frowned, battling with his sleep-hazed mind to try and remember how he got there. But the warmth of the body beneath him and the arm draped loosely around him was so nice that he didn’t want to ask too many questions.

 

Eventually, his mind caught up, and a sense of panic set in as he remembered he was in Sonny Carisi’s apartment, on his lounge, wrapped comfortably in his arms. He froze, heart pounding against his ribcage. What surprised him the most was how much he wanted this to feel normal.

 

Just as he was contemplating accepting the situation and allowing himself to fall back asleep he felt Sonny shift beneath him and then freeze entirely.

 

“Shit,” Sonny muttered, removing his arm from Rafael.

 

His heart sank at the sound of Sonny’s panic, and he could feel the heat rising on his cheeks. But then fingers threaded gently, tentatively into his hair, and without meaning to he leaned into the touch. 

 

Sonny froze again. “You’re awake?”

 

“Barely,” Rafael muttered, somehow sounding far more confident than he expected.

 

“And this is…” Sonny paused, moving his hand to Rafael’s shoulder. “Okay?”

 

Rafael’s breath caught in his throat. He couldn’t get a read on Sonny’s tone, but a part of him was scared to turn around, scared to see rejection there.

 

“It’s...um…” he faltered, breaking off when he felt Sonny laughing beneath him. “What?”

 

“Nothing, just…” Sonny hesitated, shifting so he was sitting a little more upright, forcing Rafael to do the same. “Never thought I’d see you speechless.”

 

Rafael breathed out a shaky sigh, moving away from the warmth of Sonny’s chest. He slowly lifted his gaze, and his stomach flipped at the pale uncertainty on the detective’s face.

 

“We can pretend that didn’t happen,” Sonny suggested meekly, rubbing the back of his neck.

 

In a moment of what he could only assume to be sleep-induced vulnerability, Rafael smiled softly at Sonny. “If that’s what you want.”

 

Sonny’s eyes went wide for a split second before he looked away, huffing out a laugh. He kept his eyes on the wall for what seemed like forever, fiddling with the fabric of the lounge cushions before finally setting his gaze back on Rafael. Even in the dark his eyes seemed to sparkle, and Rafael felt his face grow hot again. Sonny looked so vulnerable, looking at Rafael through his lashes. He longed to reach out, to soothe the uncertainty away.

 

“If it were up to me, I’d fall asleep with you in my arms every night,” Sonny whispered, eyes flitting between his hands now bundled in his lap, and Rafael's face, lips pulled into a tight line.

 

Rafael reached out, taking both of Sonny’s hands in his own. He didn’t have the words, couldn’t get them past the lump in his throat even if they’d formed in the first place. As the uncertainty disappeared from Sonny’s face, slowly replaced by a blinding smile, Rafael felt his heart swell and his stomach swoop.

 

It was Sonny who leaned in first, but Rafael was quick to meet him halfway, grabbing hold of Sonny’s face as their lips met. It was clumsy at first, but as Rafael threaded his fingers into Sonny’s hair, they fell into a rhythm.

 

“I never thought...I thought you...I…” Sonny muttered breathlessly against Rafael’s lips as they pulled apart.

 

“Shh.” Rafael silenced him with another kiss, pressing him back down onto the lounge.

 

For the first time since that god-forsaken case and his subsequent trial, Rafael felt at peace.


End file.
